I was pretty offended today, because,
I was talking to my friend, and I was
trying to say something I thought was
funny, but she thought it didn’t make
any sense. Then she said, “Ooookaaaay,”
and that made me feel all stupid. I tried
to cover it up by saying, “Hey, come on!”
but she told me it didn’t make any sense.
I can hardly stand feeling stupid. It’s
something that’s bothered me a lot through
the past. It had to do with being in football
and being called a “crack-head” all the time
because I talked slow and had shaggy hair,
and most of what I said sounded strange to
those guys. Maybe I shouldn’t have said
anything. Oh, don’t worry, I won’t get into a
pity party, it’s just that I fear of being
perceived as stupid. Ignorant. “That guy who
doesn’t know what’s goin’ on.” I’m sure this
has to do with my desire to really know what’s
going on in a situation, and to have control
over it. I hate not being able to have control
over something. It causes me to blunder into
saying something to someone that doesn’t
always make sense. Then I try to cover it up,
or I get scared that I’ll start to look stupider,
and I go off and regret what I said. I’m not
regretting too badly right now, because this
was a good friend of mine. But even in front
of my friends, it’s hard for me to let go of
hating the feeling of feeling stupid.


This is incredibly personal, and the only reason I'm posting it is because Nat will come heckling me about it--and as she puts it--"NEW POST, PLEEEEASE". Well, there's somama' stream-of-conscious writing, completely unabridged!