Reputation, Image, Self-esteem

I've been troubled over the last week about my reputation, image, and self-esteem (how much I respect myself). It seems so self-focused to be worrying about stufflike this. But I can't help it. The way I'm perceived on the outside tends to make me act different. On the one hand I say, "Who cares what other people think?", but on the other I think, "These 'other people' are my friends, or at least those who I want to be my friends. I DO care about what they think." Running with the latter thought, what if these people see me as...

"creepy"?

Which, I conclude, this title is probably deserved, maybe even true. Deserved? True? So how do I take that? I tried getting angry last night, imagining some scenario of in the dining hall as follows...

Sitting, eating. Jerks across the table. Laughing at me. Laughing because I didn't follow the social norm. Laughing because I didn't come across to them as particularly natural. Eyes squinted and faces red, they're almost falling off their chairs. Suddenly I rise out of my chair, kicking it to the floor, and look straight at their stupid faces. I yell at the tope of my lungs, to the astonishment to everyone in the room, "Stop it you heartless, careless morons!" I slam my food across the table and storm out of the room! Man that felt good!

But I blink my eyes and realize that I'm being a child. A ten-year-old. Darn near as dramatic as Harry Potter, or my mom. I take deep breaths and try to relax. Thoughts, ideas and memories, shoot through my head. How I was homeschooled Kindergarten through 12th grade; I might've not developed socially as well as I should have. Generally wanting to be alone, or just with a close friend or two, most of the time; I never enjoyed group situations much, especially when I can't get in a word that will be taken seriously. In semi-unfamilar groups, I find that I'm always fighting to be acknowledged, to be respected.

I want to touch on the idea of fighting to be respected. When I'm fighting to be respected, a number of things happen: my behavior tends to be capricious and inappropriate, when I'm just trying to get a word in so people will notice me and say, "Hey, he ain't creepy at all. He's actually fairly perceptive." I get anxious, and feel that everyone is up against me. This contributes to the capricious behavior problem, in that I tend to take a defensive approach in interacting with people. I unwittingly interupt instead of listen, and a "meaningful exchange" never happens.

On the flip side, I've tried to be all cool about everything, but then someone says, grinning, "Jeremy...you're just...out of it," or, "Jeremy...you're so high...you're on crack." I realize that's funny. It's funny, it really is, except for when comments like this make me worry about my image, about how others percieve me all the time----

I dunno.

I used to have my hair in the shaggy style, because I never felt like getting it cut. I can remember the first time I got the idea that other people find me strange--it was during football, four years of it. All my teammates wouldn't believe me when I'd tell them I wasn't on crack and I'd never done drugs before. I can't imagine many of them believed me. Then there was that whole ordeal with being called "Shadow," the shadow of Jonjon, my sports star twin...okay, now that's just asking for pitty. Haha.

You see here, people tell you something long enough, you start believing them. It's the same as watching violent movies. As a guy, after seeing each of Kill Bill 1-2, Underworld 1-2, and 300, I felt like I wanted to kill something. It's just how it is. Say everyone tells you you're weird a lot, you'll most likely, well, get the idea that you're weird. Are you okay with that, or are you not? We need to toughen up here a little, don't we? Well anyway, I'll go on. As I was saying, from football till now, I've been, well, kind of insulted by this "creepy" image people have of me. I've brought this image upon myself, but it's always made a little bit worse whenever people verbalize careless comments. Carefree comments. No harm done, right? No harm done to them. They tell you to be confident but break you down. They want you to be cool but don't treat you like you are.

I have made for myself the repuation I have now. It's been by my doing. But now my image makes me feel weak, underconfident, inadequate, hunted. I want to blame others and say, "I'm changing, give me a chance!", but, I don't want to let myself get angry, I don't want to let myself get desperate. It's true, my mom was right when she said, "Your reputation is so important. It's so important."

I've always thought of a reputation in terms of just good or just bad. However, I think mine is a mixture of the two. That's what confuses people. They aren't sure what to think about me. They hear about the good... and the not so good. I wonder if the "not so good" is what people like talking about most? What are peoples' conceptual framework about me?? haha. I say that, because when I talk like this, it's like I'm acting like I'm the only one that matters in the world. [Sigh] Well, this is my dilemma.

Prayer: God, thank you for all my peers, more specifically, my peers here at college. Thank you for what each of them brings into my life. Please cut past all these feelings I've expressed and help me to love my peers. Really love them, and look out for their interests, not mine. Lord, forgive me for my mind. I feel like I'm so deranged at times, because of the mistakes I've made when I wasn't doing what was right. Help me to not give in to these negative impulses. Amen.

What made me change my header: I walked instead of drove.

A few weeks ago Friday, I went on a walk. I had no particular destination in mind, just a clear resolution to get out of the house and away from everything, because I was frustrated with everything. This might've been because I was getting bored of work; sometimes when all you do is work and hang and sleep and work and sleep and work, you get to feeling a pattern in things, like nothing ever changes: it all goes around in circles, and the frustrations we had before we went to college, or before we went on that mission's trip, are still there. People don't always notice what you've learned, or how you've changed, and they tend to treat you. . how they've always treated you. So maybe I was also frustrated with people, whining in my mind about certain injustices, regrets, and all those other quirks and irritations that you can't quite get your head around concerning family, friends, kind-of friends, bullies, that kid who got in my face last semester, grabbed my necklace, swung me around like a bucket while I just said sorry and rolled my eyes because I couldn't believe what was happening. Man--I was stressed. Like I said, frustrated. Anything but relaxed. After I was off work (noon, because Fridays for me are half-days), I quickly set to packing numerous items for the journey I was about to take, having no clue how exactly long I'd be out for. When I had satisfied my backpack inventory, I escaped out the back door, telling no one I'd gone out except for Ryan, and emersed myself in my new surroundings. I went through the woods, passed by the apartments, nosed through the neighborhood, straddled down the street, cut around a corner, and then I was in another neighborhood. (Haha. Didn't know I was Dr. Seuss, huh?)

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And I would love to tell you about the rest of my walk, but I think I really just need to post this so I can get on to writing new entries. There it is, my sadly incomplete log of a great trip in which I found TWO twenty-dollar bills on the side of Interstate 95! I couldn't help thinking I'd found them for some higher purpose. Things like that are funny. You can never help thinking of God when something bizarre like that happens. Has anything like that ever happened to you? Well anyway, I suppose those 40 bucks have gone into paying for college. That's where I am now!

"Want me to put nails in your door, saying, 'I don't want to be your friend?'"__"You can't just STOP being friends with someone!"

This is the cardboard city from the movie "The Science of Sleep". I just finished watching it tonight, and I liked it a lot. Don't know if you've ever seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but it was the same director I believe, and similar...in a way. The movie goes from French, to English, to French, to English, to Spanish, to English, and all around. European. It's pretty neat, and the main premise is that this guy can't tell reality from his dreams, so he keeps acting all strange and crazy around this girl he's in a love with and--...well, you'll have to watch it yourself. About a quarter way through the movie I realized it was actually pretty serious. "Actually." Like I expected it not to be.

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Is it a normal thing? Maybe to make me feel better, leave a simple "aye-aye" if you've read this. Nothing more is needed at this time.

I just finished a day ago

Do I see John Maxwell in the right side of this picture? Anyway, it's over, it's done, and I'm left, a complete Harry Potter fan.

The Sad Truth About Life

is that as there are many little things to enjoy (below a few posts), there are also endless things to not enjoy! So I'm going to be kind of negative here, and make a contradicting list to balance out the first one. I mean, let's be realistic here. I am acutally an awful human being, and some of you may know this.

Arrogance,

Judging,

Delusion,

Misconception,

Misquitos in my ear,

Getting hit by a flying piece of rock from a weed wacker,

Waking up at 12pm or past,

Being a bad driver,

Having bad posture,

Walking funny,

AIM (not the best outlet of communication),

Email (makes me uneasy for some reason. Probably has to do with Covenant always giving me notifications, etc.),

No music,

No Rufus Wainwright,

Getting mediocre grades,

Being told how to do something I thought I was good at,

Having my character put in a box,

Saying something totally weird and uncalled for,

Walking away with regrets,

Being a moron,

Being a moron and not knowing it ("Catcher in the Rye" quote: "He just looked at me with his big, stupid red face...All morons say they aren't morons...I told Stadladder to give Mrs. Schmidt the time. Mrs. Schmidt was, like, 65." -Holden Caulfield)

Anxiety,

Worry,

Stress,

Too many tough choices at once,

Big groups of friends (can't focus on anyone it seems to me!),

Pain in my neck,

Making Natalie mad,

Making what I feel was a bad impression,

Being selfish,

Being proud,

Not knowing when to take a chill pill,

Not relaxing (goes along with talking weird, regrets, anxiety, and stress in a way..),

Getting so lost in what I'm doing I lose track of reality and the way things really are,

Being impatient (well sometimes I enjoy it. heh, "RYAN GET IN HERE!" or, "MOM, JUST CHHIILLLL." I feel like Ron Weasely when I say that.),

Having complicated, negative feelings about the 7th Harry Potter that causes me to stall from reading on (but you know what? who cares what people have given away to me. I just need to finish it and convince myself that I hardly have a clue to what happens in the end!),

Being unable to get across what I want to,

Not making clear sense with my words,

Being mistaken for having a loose grip on reality (when really my mind is just generally a little lost in what I'm doing or saying and my organization skilled are rather discombobulated...wait a minute...maye that is a loose grip on reality. Haha, whatever.),

Feeling that time can't ever fix things,

Not believing that things can get better,

Not believing God,

Not trusting in Jesus,

Not asking,

Not speaking up when I want to (I recall vaguely my last class at Covenant, in 3d design--I didn't care how stupid I would sound--Professor Morton was like, "Now, what is different, obivously different, about this lamp project, from our last project? Visibly different." And I was like, "Duhm, they light up, thur!" [Well actually I was just like, "They light up!" but I mine as well have said the Duhm and the sir with a lisp.] Then he made a reference to what I said, making fun sort of of what I said, but it was good fun, and I just smiled. I like speaking up, speaking my heart when I feel that I want to, no matter how out-of-touch it may seem. Blah, anyway.),

Not getting enough sleep,

Being laughed at too much ("It's just a joke, duuude!!" [Thinking: I'll show you a joke: five of 'em, right here, buddy." :) )

Doing the wrong thing with my time,

Putting people on pedestals,

Caring too much (as in too much)

Taking. myself. dead. serious. RAR!

So there you have it, a small (cough) list of stuff I really don't enjoy much uh'tall; things having to do with my inner self, and things that I experience within the life I've been given. I know, I know, this all must be sooooo interesting. Well, maybe soon I'll post about this awesome walk that I went on Friday afternoon. I had many adventures, including finding two, well, you'll see. It was incredible though, and the bizarre thing is, I found one of the same thing halfway down the mountain at Covenant, when I took a walk along Scenic Highway my first semester there.

Natalie called me from downstairs. I think she wants me to hear some new music? Perhaps some new Rufus Wainwright songs? YES!--Nope, nope, false alarm. Turns out she was only watching a R.W. music video that, she said, actually turned out to not be so great. Well, well. Too bad. Bad, bad.

Mika

I'm really quite enthralled by this band. If you search for them on YouTube, you can find certain songs such as, well, "Relax, Take it Easy", "Grace Kelly", and also these other ones that I've just listened to today, which are, "Love Today", and "Any Other World". The latter is, as opposed to lots of their other songs, more of a sadder, reflective piece. I liked it. Deserves a few listens.

Relax, Take It Easy

This is a good song for me. Watch the video, and let yourself get swallowed up in the all the moving designs and color. Do it while someone's giving you a scalp rub and it'll really do the trick for ya.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=427458871427906900&q=Mika+relax+take+it+easy&total=579&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0

And check out some other videos from this band, "Mika". My friends who showed me this say he's like the modern Queen. In some ways I agree. Sort of technoish, though.

They say...I look a bit like him. No argument here.

This is Jake Gyllenhaal. He played in the movie Donnie Darko, which, Bee-Tee-Double-You, is one of my favorite moviemoves ever made. Jake plays Donnie, a psychotic teenager who finds a foothold in the concept of time travel. He's a very mellow, awkward, vague fellow. And then someone says, "Yeah, he does almost look like a Weber. Like you, Jeremy!" I don't mind, but all the same I act irritated and say, "What? Because I'm just crazy and have my eyes half open all the time?" I ask myself, "Is the reason I get so into this movie because Donnie reminds me of myself?" Hm. Interesting thought. Anyway, Donnie Darko. Rent it with your friends. It's intense, mysterious, and mystifyingly interesting. Drew Barrymore is awesome in this one (!). I'd suggest the Director's Cut. You're bound to like Donnie Darko a lot (the movie and the character), so watch it if you haven't yet. Just make sure you don't try to make friends with any bunny rabbits named Frank afterwards.