Reputation, Image, Self-esteem

I've been troubled over the last week about my reputation, image, and self-esteem (how much I respect myself). It seems so self-focused to be worrying about stufflike this. But I can't help it. The way I'm perceived on the outside tends to make me act different. On the one hand I say, "Who cares what other people think?", but on the other I think, "These 'other people' are my friends, or at least those who I want to be my friends. I DO care about what they think." Running with the latter thought, what if these people see me as...

"creepy"?

Which, I conclude, this title is probably deserved, maybe even true. Deserved? True? So how do I take that? I tried getting angry last night, imagining some scenario of in the dining hall as follows...

Sitting, eating. Jerks across the table. Laughing at me. Laughing because I didn't follow the social norm. Laughing because I didn't come across to them as particularly natural. Eyes squinted and faces red, they're almost falling off their chairs. Suddenly I rise out of my chair, kicking it to the floor, and look straight at their stupid faces. I yell at the tope of my lungs, to the astonishment to everyone in the room, "Stop it you heartless, careless morons!" I slam my food across the table and storm out of the room! Man that felt good!

But I blink my eyes and realize that I'm being a child. A ten-year-old. Darn near as dramatic as Harry Potter, or my mom. I take deep breaths and try to relax. Thoughts, ideas and memories, shoot through my head. How I was homeschooled Kindergarten through 12th grade; I might've not developed socially as well as I should have. Generally wanting to be alone, or just with a close friend or two, most of the time; I never enjoyed group situations much, especially when I can't get in a word that will be taken seriously. In semi-unfamilar groups, I find that I'm always fighting to be acknowledged, to be respected.

I want to touch on the idea of fighting to be respected. When I'm fighting to be respected, a number of things happen: my behavior tends to be capricious and inappropriate, when I'm just trying to get a word in so people will notice me and say, "Hey, he ain't creepy at all. He's actually fairly perceptive." I get anxious, and feel that everyone is up against me. This contributes to the capricious behavior problem, in that I tend to take a defensive approach in interacting with people. I unwittingly interupt instead of listen, and a "meaningful exchange" never happens.

On the flip side, I've tried to be all cool about everything, but then someone says, grinning, "Jeremy...you're just...out of it," or, "Jeremy...you're so high...you're on crack." I realize that's funny. It's funny, it really is, except for when comments like this make me worry about my image, about how others percieve me all the time----

I dunno.

I used to have my hair in the shaggy style, because I never felt like getting it cut. I can remember the first time I got the idea that other people find me strange--it was during football, four years of it. All my teammates wouldn't believe me when I'd tell them I wasn't on crack and I'd never done drugs before. I can't imagine many of them believed me. Then there was that whole ordeal with being called "Shadow," the shadow of Jonjon, my sports star twin...okay, now that's just asking for pitty. Haha.

You see here, people tell you something long enough, you start believing them. It's the same as watching violent movies. As a guy, after seeing each of Kill Bill 1-2, Underworld 1-2, and 300, I felt like I wanted to kill something. It's just how it is. Say everyone tells you you're weird a lot, you'll most likely, well, get the idea that you're weird. Are you okay with that, or are you not? We need to toughen up here a little, don't we? Well anyway, I'll go on. As I was saying, from football till now, I've been, well, kind of insulted by this "creepy" image people have of me. I've brought this image upon myself, but it's always made a little bit worse whenever people verbalize careless comments. Carefree comments. No harm done, right? No harm done to them. They tell you to be confident but break you down. They want you to be cool but don't treat you like you are.

I have made for myself the repuation I have now. It's been by my doing. But now my image makes me feel weak, underconfident, inadequate, hunted. I want to blame others and say, "I'm changing, give me a chance!", but, I don't want to let myself get angry, I don't want to let myself get desperate. It's true, my mom was right when she said, "Your reputation is so important. It's so important."

I've always thought of a reputation in terms of just good or just bad. However, I think mine is a mixture of the two. That's what confuses people. They aren't sure what to think about me. They hear about the good... and the not so good. I wonder if the "not so good" is what people like talking about most? What are peoples' conceptual framework about me?? haha. I say that, because when I talk like this, it's like I'm acting like I'm the only one that matters in the world. [Sigh] Well, this is my dilemma.

Prayer: God, thank you for all my peers, more specifically, my peers here at college. Thank you for what each of them brings into my life. Please cut past all these feelings I've expressed and help me to love my peers. Really love them, and look out for their interests, not mine. Lord, forgive me for my mind. I feel like I'm so deranged at times, because of the mistakes I've made when I wasn't doing what was right. Help me to not give in to these negative impulses. Amen.